Half Assed Kitchen

Dates Wrapped in Bacon

This one is easy. Ridiculously easy. And good. Insanely good. The bacon and the sugar from the dates fuse to make a crispy, gooey, sweet, bacony burst of flavor and texture. You can prep this one in five minutes. Give it ten to fry and you're good to go.

 

Rating: 1/4 assed (If we'd given ourselves the option of 1/8 assed, we'd go with that, but 1/4 assed is as far down as we're allowed.)

Here's what you need and how you do it

1 pound dates

1 package bacon, sliced in half lengthwise and then cut into four-inch quarters.

Wrap each date in bacon and drop into non-stick skillet. Cook until bacon is crisp. Serve warm or cool.

No-roll pie crust

 

Yes, we know we're a little late to the pie party, seeing as how Thanksgiving was yesterday. But people still bake pies year-round, right? There's the lemon meringue and the coconut cream and the key lime. None of them holiday-ish, per se.

So here's a version of a pie crust that requires no roll-out. Which is perfect for us because rolling pins give us hives. We hate making pie crust from scratch and will usually buy it pre-made from the store. But this crust...this crust is perfect. Not a beauty queen, for sure, but easy. And delicious.

Rating: 1/4 assed

Here's what you need and how you do it:

1-1/2 cups flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 Tablespoons milk

1-1/2 teaspoons sugar

1/2 cup canola or vegetable oil

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Mix ingredients right in the pie plate. Press into place with your fingertips. Prick bottom with fork. Bake for ten minutes. Remove from oven, fill and bake until pie filling is firm.

For a printable version of this recipe, click here.

Cornbread muffins

We love us some good cornbread. Sweet but not too cakey, moist and full of corn kernels. We've just discovered that adding a can of creamed corn to your cornbread makes a quick and easy, go-to recipe. This is a great addition to your Thanksgiving feast or simply to serve with a fantastic bowl of chili.

Rating: Truly 1/2 assed

Here's what you need and how you do it

3/4 cup yellow cornmeal

3/4 cup all-purpose flour

1/4 cup sugar

2 teaspoons baking powder

3/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup canned creamed corn

1/2 stick butter or margarine, melted

1 large egg

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Grease an 8x8 baking pan or muffin tins. Whisk all ingredients together and stir until just blended.

Bake about 20 minutes, or until cornbread begins to turn golden and toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

For a printable version of this recipe, click here.

Orange cranberry sauce with ginger

We are pleased as punch to welcome our guest poster, the fabulous Vanessa from 40Licious. She's an amazing cook who is famous for winging it. Where winging it means throwing in a little of this and little of that until something delectable is bubbling away on the stovetop.

In this case, it's Vanessa's' orange cranberry sauce with ginger.

Rating: 1/4 assed

Vanessa: This year I’ve been charged with bringing the cranberry sauce to the first-ever TG with my boyfriend’s parents. Though I gazed longingly at the plastic tub of ready-to-go cranberry-orange sauce at Trader Joe’s, I passed and decided it was infinitely better to at least attempt making something from scratch. Years ago, I made some insane cranberry-orange relish from the back of the bag of Ocean Spray Cranberries, so I gathered up the ingredients I thought I needed and headed back to the kitchen.

But there was no recipe for cranberry-orange anything on the back of the bag! And surfing around for it just left me cranky. (Please note that “cranberry” and “cranky” share the same root. This is not by accident.)

So here’s what I ended up doing. Please note most measurements are estimated, you just go on and be your own bad self with those. Also, try to use organic oranges and other ingredients when you can, it tastes soooooo much better.

Here's what you need and how you do it:

2 bags of fresh cranberries

A piece of ginger about half the length of your pinky (Ed. note: we used a bigger piece. The size of our actual pinky.)

An orange or two, peeled and chunked

2 cups sugar 

1 cup water

Glass of wine or loaded eggnog (Ed. note: we used 1 cup red wine.)

In a blender or food processor with a metal blade, chop up the ginger, orange and one of the bags of cranberries.

Drink some of the wine or eggnog.

Place the cranberry mixture in a saucepan and add about a half cup of water. Add the other bag of cranberries, whole. Add the sugar.

Boil the hell out of it for about three or four minutes; keep stirring. If it looks like it’s too hot and about to burn, add a little more water. While you are doing this, you can drink some more wine or eggnog.

Taste it to see if it needs more sugar. If so, add some. What are you waiting for? Turn flame way down.

Finish your wine or eggnog.

Check your Facebook. But don’t get all caught up in that or your sauce might burn.

When the sauce becomes redder than blood, you can turn it off and just let it sit nicely until you are ready to serve or refrigerate.

Celebrate by pouring another glass of wine or eggnog.

(Ed. note: We skipped the blender/food processor step altogether and just boiled the cranberries and oranges whole. It kept the recipe simpler and left one less contraption to wash. Also, boil for approximately 15 minutes. The oranges add more moisture so you'll have to go longer than the Ocean Spray bag says to get a thicker consistency.)

For a printable version of this recipe, click here.

Baby Brie Crab Appetizers

Welcome back to our yearly feature, Half Assed Holiday Apps, where, from now until roughly New Years, we bring you a new app every week.

And this week enter our giveaway to receive amazing FREE CHEESE from Alouette by clicking here.

 Photo courtesy Alouette

This is an easy and scrumptious (hello Brie! hello crab!) little app. You'll have to pick up a few special items you most likely don't have on hand, but we guarantee these will fly off the plate when you serve them. (We got the recipe from Alouette's web site, lots of good ideas over there. Check it out.)

Rating: Truly 1/2 assed

Here's what you need and how you do it

1 package (8 oz.) Alouette Baby Brie Cheese
1 can (6 oz.) crab meat with leg meat, well drained 
2 Tablespoon mayonnaise
1 Tablespoon diced pimiento (from 2 oz. jar), drained 
1 Tablespoon minced shallot
2 packages (2.1 oz. each) frozen phyllo tartlet shells 
1 Tablespoon fresh chives, chopped

Heat oven to 350 F.

Trim rind from outside edge of cheese.
Cut crosswise into 6 strips. Trim rind from each strip.

To form 30 pieces, cut the 4 longest strips each into 6 cubes.
Cut the 2 shortest strips each into 3 cubes.

In small bowl, combine crab meat, mayonnaise, pimiento and shallot.

Arrange tartlet shells on large cookie sheet. Spoon crab mixture evenly into tartlet shells, about 1 tsp. each. Top with cheese cube.

Bake 5 minutes or until cheese is soft and melted.
Sprinkle with chives.

For a printable version of this recipe, click here.

The Martha Turkey

Photo courtesy MarthaStewart.com

In case anyone cares, we're doing the Martha Turkey this year. Last year we tried dry-brining. Most likely, we did something horribly wrong, but eating a slice of it was a little like gnawing on a shoebox lid.

We've heard from reliable sources that Martha Stewart's turkey recipe, with all the butter and all the wine, turns out every time, so we're going to give it a go.

How do you like to cook your bird?

Texas sheet cake

 
Hoo-doggie. This is a good one. Texas sheet cake that is as big as Dallas (except smaller than it could've been because we didn't have a jelly roll pan). Rich chocolate cake smothered in richer chocolate frosting. Texas sheet cake is always a crowd-pleaser. And it definitely makes enough to feed a crowd.

Our recipe is adapted (barely) from an old Cooking Light. Which makes it, perhaps, not as dense and insanely decadent as it could be, but keeps the fat to reasonable levels. And it still tastes fantastically good.

Rating: Truly 1/2 assed

Here's what you need and how you do it

2 cups flour

2 cups sugar

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup water

1/2 cup butter

1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1/2 cup buttermilk (or regular milk)

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 large eggs

Icing:

6 Tablespoons butter

1/3 cup milk

1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa

3 cups powdered sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease a jelly-roll pan or 13-x9 inch baking pan. Combine 2 cups flour, sugar, baking soda, cinnamon and salt in a large bowl.

Combine water, 1/2 cup butter and 1/4 cup cocoa powder in a small saucepan. Bring to a boil, stirring frequently. Remove from heat; pour into flour mixture. Beat with a mixer at medium speed until well blended. Add milk, vanilla and eggs. Beat well.

Pour batter into cake pan. If using a jelly roll pan, bake for approximately 17 minutes. If using a 13x9 inch pan, bake for 22 to 23 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.

Prepare icing by combining butter, milk and cocoa in same saucepan you used for melting the cake chocolate. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and pour in powdered sugar and vanilla. Spread over cooled cake.

Would also be amazing with the slightly more complicated but even more chocolatey Fudge Frosting.

For a printable version of this recipe, click here.

Pork chops with mustard sauce and capers

This is an insanely simple dinner. The mustard sauce, shallot and capers really make a boring, old pork chop something special.

Rating: Truly 1/2 assed

Here's what you need and how you do it

2-4 pork chops (we used boneless)

Olive Oil

1 shallot, chopped

2 Tablespoons dijon mustard

1/3 cup cream, half-and-half or soy creamer

1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice

2 Tablespoons capers

Salt and pepper to taste

3 Tablespoons flour mixed with a little water

Pan fry pork chops in olive oil. In separate skillet, heat shallot in olive oil until softened. Add mustard, cream, capers, lemon juice, salt, pepper and flour mixture (enough so desired thickness is achieved). Cook until heated through.

Spoon sauce over pork chops. Consider serving with garlic mashed potatoes and a salad.

For a printable version of this recipe, click here.

Crockpot Beef Burgundy

Whenever we get our morning act together enough to actually throw meat, vegetables and a few spices into the crockpot, we are supremely proud of ourselves. Ridiculously smug for the rest of the day. We have, for once, made our family's dinner top priority and instead of slapping some half-cooked fish filets and french fries on the table, we'll be serving a nutritious, hearty, savory meal.

Enter beef burgundy simmering away in our slow cooker, some boiled egg noodles, a side salad and we have a fabulous meal for lots of people (two to three meals for us).

Beef burgundy is essentially stew with mushrooms and lots of red wine splashed in. It's basic, flavorful and sticks to your ribs. We think our recipe is a nice balance of spice, salt, beef and cabernet sauvignon.

Rating: 3/4 assed (chopping)

Here's what you need and how you do it

1 pound lean stew beef

1 large onion, chopped

3 celery stalks, chopped

2 large carrots, chopped

1 14.5-ounce can diced tomatoes, with liquid

1/2 pound button mushrooms (or more)

1-1/2 cup red wine, plus 1/4 cup

1 teaspoon dried thyme

1 teaspoon dry mustard

2 Tablespoons worcestershire sauce

1/3 cup flour, or more depending on how thick you want it

1-2 teaspoons salt, to taste

Black pepper, to taste

1/2 pound egg noodles or other flat pasta

Layer onions, celery and carrots along bottom of slow cooker. Add beef. Sprinkle mushrooms over the top. Pour in 1-1/2 cup red wine, tomatoes, spices, worcestershire. Sprinkle with salt and pepper.

Cook on low for 8 hours or high for 4-5 hours. Can also be cooked in a dutch oven on stove for 1-2 hours.

Toward end of cooking cycle, whisk together 1/4 cup red wine with the flour. Pour into stew, stir well and let cook for about 10 minutes with lid removed.

Boil pasta according to package directions.

Serve beef burgundy over noodles.

For a printable version of this recipe, click here.

Pancakes

We are lucky enough to be staying on Bainbridge Island this weekend with good friends, good wine and fantastic pancakes. Our host made these fluffy, old-fashioned delicacies for us and we had to share the recipe.

Since we were late to the party and actually missed breakfast the first day, we reheated ours in a toaster oven this morning and smothered them in butter and maple syrup and they tasted like they'd just been flipped off the griddle.

Rating: Truly 1/2 assed

Here's what you need and how you do it

1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour

3-1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 Tablespoon sugar

1-1/4 cups milk

1 egg

3 Tablespoons butter or margarine, melted

In a large bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Mix in the milk, egg and melted butter until smooth.

Heat a lightly oiled griddle over medium-high heat. Scoop batter onto griddle. Brown on both sides and serve hot.

For a printable version of this recipe, click here.